The Black Dog
by MrsWhovian
Summary: "The thoughts invading your mind right now are completely wrong," he said. "I bet they're telling you all sorts of negative things. But they're wrong. I care about you, and I want to be here, and I do not want to leave." Cara has a bad day. Cara/Raf friendship (with possible hints of more - read to find out!), TW for depression.
1. Chapter 1

As Raf stepped through the doors to AAU, his stride faltered as he took in the chaos occurring around him. Nurses seemed to by flying between patients, their feet barely able to carry them fast enough.

"What's going on?" he asked Fletch, as he got to the desk. Fletch glanced at him, covering up the mouth piece of the ward phone as he answered.

"We were stretched for nurses as it is today, but Cara phoned in sick at the last minute, and the agency don't have anybody spare to send us. Lucy and David," he gestured to two exhausted looking nurses, "are pulling double shifts to try and make up the numbers, but we're struggling."

Raf frowned. "When you say last minute, when exactly did she phone in? And is she okay?"

Fletch rolled his eyes at the obvious route that Raf's thought process had obviously taken.

"Well," he said, glancing at his watch, as if to prove his point, "her shift started ten minutes ago, so I'd say she phoned in half an hour ago? And she didn't say. She just said she was ill and wouldn't be in today. She didn't sound particularly sick though. Do you know if she went out last night?"

Raf shook his head, indicating the negative, and quickly went to get changed into his scrubs. This was going to be a busy day.

* * *

As Raf's shift ended, he headed over to the nurses station, deciding to give Cara a call. He'd been worrying about her all day. It wasn't like her to call in sick. It was even less like her to give such little notice.

However, by the sound of the irate nurse shouting down the phone, it soon became apparent that Fletch had got there first.

"I'm sorry Cara – that isn't good enough! You can't just ring up with half an hour's notice and say you 'don't feel up to' coming into work! I have two nurses who are dead on their feet because you made the conscious decision to let us down! That half an hour you gave me this morning was exactly how long I had to arrange cover! And now you can't even give me an idea of whether or not I need to arrange more cover for tomorrow! You are putting our patients at risk here! Do you know what? Let me make the decision for you. You don't sound ill at all, so if you aren't in tomorrow, I'll have no choice but to recommend that Serena puts you on a formal warning. See you tomorrow."

Raf stared at Fletch in disbelief as he slammed the phone down.

"What the hell, Fletch?" Raf asked. "Cara is your friend – how could you speak to her like that?"

Fletch sighed. "I know, and I didn't mean to blow up at her like that. But Lucy and David aren't the only ones who are pulling doubles. Lucy was meant to be back in again now, but because she stayed on to cover Cara, I've now got to stay to cover her. I'd promised the kids that I'd take them out for dinner, but now they'll be staying with their aunt again."

Raf nodded. "I'm sorry Fletch. Look, I'll check in on her on my way home, and let you know how she is."

"Apologise for me?" Fletch asked, and Raf nodded as he headed out.

* * *

Cara pulled the duvet cover from over her head as she heard a knocking at the door. She sighed, and made the decision to ignore it. Maybe they'd assume she was at work. But that thought process went out of the window as she heard Raf calling out to her. So, resigned to the fact that she would be entertaining, she pulled herself out of bed and over to open the door.

As the door slowly opened, Raf tried not to react too visibly to the girl stood in front of him. Because although Cara was a fully grown woman, as she stood in front of him in a pair of grey joggers and a black hoodie with her hands hidden in the too-long sleeves, she looked more like a little girl. And Raf's heart broke, because he'd seen the look in Cara's eyes many times before, in many patients, and a couple of old friends.

Cara forced herself to put a smile on her face as she stood back silently to let Raf in, but the façade lasted less than a few seconds, as Raf closed the door behind him and pulled her into his arms, slowly swaying from side to side. So she let the tears fall silently down her cheeks, arms wrapped around his waist, as he held her close to him, one hand running lightly through her hair.

Raf stood there patiently until he felt Cara's body relax, and he took a small step back.

"Shall we sit down?" he asked, and Cara nodded, but didn't make any attempt to move. So Raf gently guided her to the sofa and pulled her close.

Cara curled herself into his side, and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out. As she felt his chest rise and fall under her head, the all too familiar thoughts started making their way to the surface.

" _Well, say something! He only came round cos Fletch sent him."_

" _Fletch didn't even want to come himself."_

" _Do you really think you're that important that people would actually consider coming to check up on you?"_

" _I bet Raf's planning his escape right now."_

" _Don't make him feel like he has to stay – he'll only hate you more for it."_

Raf felt Cara tense her muscles as she went to sit up. Pre-empting what she was about to say, Raf decided to get in there first.

"So, I had a friend, Pete, when I was about 19. He called it the black dog. Do you have a name for it?"

He could tell that this had caught her off guard, but didn't want to give her time to make up a lie.

"Is the depression particularly bad at the moment?"

The reply tumbled out of Cara's mouth before she could stop it.

"Only since everything happened with Jed. It hasn't been an issue for a few years now; just the occasional off day. But today something just snapped, and I couldn't face coming into work. I tried, but -"

Cara froze. She'd said far too much already.

Raf watched her start to close up in front of him, and pulled her close again.

"The thoughts invading your mind right now are completely wrong," he said. "I bet they're telling you all sorts of negative things. But they're wrong. I care about you, and I want to be here, and I do not want to leave. You have my unconditional support, and I will stay here and look after you, not because I have some sense of duty, but because I want to. I care, and I have nowhere else that I would rather be. I know you may not be able to believe me, but I promise you, I will not leave."

Cara nodded, but still made no move to finish her thoughts.

"Where have you spent your day, today?" he asked.

"Bed," Cara whispered, ashamed.

Raf nodded, and stood up, pulling her with him.

* * *

Before Cara knew what was happening, Raf had guided her back to bed, wrapped her up in the duvet, and then lay next to her, but on top of the covers. He lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He was right next to her, but not quite touching her.

"I'm going to stay here, if that's okay with you, and you can tell me whatever you want, whenever you want."

Cara nodded, and joined him in staring up at the ceiling.

Raf wasn't sure how much time passed, but eventually, Cara whispered into the slowly darkening room,

"I had a panic attack."

Raf nodded to acknowledge he'd heard her, but didn't want to speak and spook Cara into silence again.

"I call it a dark day. Today was really bad. I'd made myself get up, get dressed, have breakfast. But when I tried to leave the flat it just hit me. I couldn't do it."

Apparently not wanting to say any more, Cara lifted her hand from under the duvet, and moved to hold Raf's hand. But the dark thoughts got to her first, and she went to move it back again.

But Raf moved first, reaching out to her and gripping her hand tightly in his.

"That's why you called so late?" As she nodded, he squeezed her hand. "Fletch asked me to apologise to you by the way. He knows he was out of line."

As Cara went to disagree, Raf turned on his side to look at her.

"Don't disagree, please. I know your thoughts don't want you to believe me, but I promise you everything I have told you is the truth."

Cara hesitated, but took a deep breath and slowly nodded. She saw the pride in Raf's eyes at the effort she had made, and actually felt a flicker of something not-so-negative inside her. It was the best she'd felt all day.

As she turned to him, she leaned in, pressing her lips softly against his. She felt Raf kiss her back gently, just for a second, before pulling away. Before the disappointment and self-doubt started building up, Raf placed an innocent kiss on her forehead, and cupped her cheek in his hand.

"I would love to carry on with this, but you are not very well today. I promise, when you are having a better day, we will continue this."

Cara nodded, and asked, "Would you stay? No ulterior motive, I promise. You just really helped me this afternoon, and I don't hate myself quite as much right now."

She laughed drily, trying to cover up the true intention behind that sentence, but they both knew exactly what she meant.

However, Raf nodded, and got under the covers, immediately pulling her close and wrapping her in his arms.

As she fell asleep, she heard him whisper, "I will not leave your side. I promise I will prove those dark thoughts wrong."

And for the first time all day, she felt that it might be possible to try and believe him. It wasn't much, but it was more than she'd managed in 24 hours.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed this - please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So, originally, this was just going to be a oneshot, but after the positive response I got from the first chapter, I decided to expand it into a multi-chapter story. I don't know where the story will end up, so if you are enjoying it, please add it to your alerts. This is just in case it goes in a direction which causes me to change the rating. So I wrote this chapter on a train to Birmingham today… Enjoy!**

* * *

The next morning, Cara woke up to the sound of her alarm going off, expecting to find the left hand side of her bed empty. But she smiled to herself slightly as she felt her hand still wrapped in Raf's, just as it was when she fell asleep. She opened her eyes slowly, regardless, preparing herself for the possibility that her mind was playing cruel tricks on her. After all, it wouldn't be the first time.

But the eyes staring back into hers put her mind at rest.

"You stayed?" she asked.

Raf reached out with his free hand and cupped her face.

"Yes, I did. Because I wanted to, and because you asked."

Cara looked away, pulling back from him.

"I'm sorry, I truly didn't want to ruin your evening."

Raf leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"In no way did you ruin my night," he said. "Any time I get to spend with you is time well spent."

Cara bit her lip, squeezing the hand that was still holding hers just a little bit tighter.

"I probably ought to get ready for work," she said with a sigh. "And you'll need to go too, won't you?"

"Yes," Raf replied, "I need to change my clothes. Are you sure you want to go into work today?"

Cara nodded, albeit slightly hesitantly.

"I think so," she said. "I'll be okay."

Raf squeezed her hand, before letting go so that they could both get out of bed.

"Okay," he replied. "But if you need me at all during your shift, you just come and find me. I won't be too busy – I promise."

Cara shook her head. "We work in a hospital," she reminded him. "You can't just promise that."

Raf ran his hand through his hair as he acknowledged that she may have a point.

"Okay," he conceded. "But come and find me anyway, and I will make time for you as soon as I can. I can promise you that."

Cara nodded, knowing that she would try and avoid bothering him at all costs. After all, she'd already impinged on him enough.

Once Raf had pulled his shoes on and tied his laces, he looked over at Cara again, who had pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and was chewing it nervously.

"Hey," he said quietly, not wanting to startle her. Once she'd looked up at him, he smiled gently at her. "You can do this. You are stronger than your head is letting you think you are."

Impulsively, Cara threw her arms around his neck in a tight hug. And then her brain started firing thoughts at her at, what felt like, a hundred miles an hour.

" _What are you doing? Get off him!"_

" _Do you really think he wants you all over him?"_

" _Look at yourself! You're a mess!"_

" _Let him leave like he obviously wants to! You stupid, worthless girl!"_

Almost as soon as she'd hugged him, and before Raf had chance to respond, Cara stood back, horror painted across her face.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that you want to get out of here, of course you do. I don't know what I was thinking."

Sighing to himself, Raf immediately stepped forward, leant down and wrapped his arms around Cara's waist, and waited while she hesitantly brought her arms back up around his neck, to where she had originally placed them.

When he felt her relax, Raf turned his head slightly and whispered in her ear.

"You don't have to apologise. This is nice. Anytime that you want a hug, I can promise you that I will be more than willing to to give you one. Understand?"

He felt her nod her head slightly in the crook of his neck, and squeezed her slightly tighter before pulling back slowly, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Now, are you going to be okay? And please be honest with me."

Cara took a deep breath, fought against every thought in her head telling her what to say, and replied quietly, "I'm going to try. But I'll find you if I need you."

Raf smiled, and nodded. "I'm proud of you," he said. "And if you're sure, I'll head home so that I can get changed."

At Cara's nod, he gave her one last embrace and quick kiss on the cheek, before leaving to head back to his car. He was still worried, but he hoped he had shown her that he did genuinely care about her. He knew that she was stronger than she looked, but he also knew that, right now, she was having a hard time believing it.

* * *

 **A/N: Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Raf was up on AAU when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He took it out and frowned slightly when he saw it was Cara. Had she changed her mind about coming in?

Deciding not to just jump to conclusions, he tapped the screen to open the text.

 **Are you at work yet? x**

Smiling at the kiss she'd put at the end of the text, he quickly replied.

 **Yes, I've just finished getting changed. Would you like me to come down and meet you?**

Almost immediately after sending the text, his phone buzzed again with a notification of Cara's reply.

 **No, it's okay. I just feel more comfortable coming in if you're already here.**

Raf sighed, relieved, with the knowledge that she'd made it into work. He was slightly disappointed that there was no kiss at the end of that text, but when he happened to glance up at the text he'd sent, he rolled his eyes at himself when he realised he'd forgotten to put one at the end of his. He knew that with how Cara's brain was wired with her depression, she would have seen that as him thinking that it was inappropriate. Quickly, he rectified this by swiftly typing out a reply.

 **Okay then. See you in a few minutes – looking forward to seeing you! xx**

* * *

Cara breathed out, relieved, as she tucked her phone into the back pocket of her jeans. She was worried that she had misread her friendship with Raf, but he had put her mind at rest with just one text. She quickly patted her pocket to make sure her phone was still there, and looked up at the entrance to the hospital. She paused, allowing herself to relax, drew in a deep, slow breath through her nose, held it for a couple of seconds, and then slowly blew out the breath through pursed lips.

She could do this.

Before she could change her mind, Cara strode to the lifts, exuding more purpose than she actually felt, and stepped inside the lift, pressing the button that would send the lift gliding up to AAU.

* * *

Raf heard the lift doors open, and glanced over his shoulder to see Cara stepping out on to the ward. To the casual onlooker, she looked the picture of serenity; shoulders down, back straight, hands casually clasped in front of her. But, looking closer, Raf could see that the thumb of her right hand was rubbing repeatedly back and forth over the back of her left hand. This was a coping technique he had seen many anxiety sufferers use to try and centre themselves whilst out in public. The repetitive action of rubbing the hand gave them something physical to do, and the feeling of the rubbing provided a physical feeling to focus on, keeping them grounded. As she looked around, caught sight of Raf, who immediately gave her a reassuring smile, which she hesitantly returned. She then broke eye contact as she turned into the locker room to get changed.

* * *

Cara pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and looked in the mirror, giving herself one last chance to calm down. She could feel her pulse pounding in her neck, and she closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing.

In... 2… 3… 4…

Hold… 2… 3… 4…

Out… 2… 3… 4…

After repeating this four times, Cara felt the tension leave her shoulders slightly, as her pulse slowed down.

"You can do this," she said to herself in the mirror.

As she turned to leave the room, and head out on to the ward, she was forced to take a step back as Fletch came through, having just finished his double shift. He paused in the doorway, looked at Cara, then stepped in and closed the door.

Cara looked at him warily as Fletch ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm so sorry Cara," he started. "I had no right to snap at you the way I did on the phone yesterday. I was just frustrated that we were short staffed, and it was made worse by the fact the agency didn't have anyone they could send. But that doesn't excuse what I said. I'm really sorry. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm okay," Cara said quietly. "I'll be fine."

Fletch frowned slightly, but decided not to push it any further. After all, he had pretty much forced her to come into work today, so he didn't really have any right to ask her if she should have really come in.

"Okay," he replied. "Well, I'm off home to see the kids now. I'll see you tomorrow."

Cara nodded, and left the room so Fletch could get changed. She had been worrying about that interaction, and what Fletch could have said, since she'd first woken up, and she couldn't help but feel relieved that it was out the way and dealt with now. Allowing herself a small smile, she walked over to the nurses desk, where Raf was sorting through patients notes. He looked up at Cara as she approached, relieved when she gave him a nod and, as far as he could tell, a genuine smile.

Knowing Raf had been worried about her, and feeling guilty because of that, Cara decided to just let him get on with his shift, so she quickly picked up the first available patient file and walked over to the corresponding bed.

She could do this.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm so sorry about how long I've left this – I've been struggling with my own mental health lately and I've had to focus on that. Anxiety and depression is not fun! But I'm doing a bit better now, so I'm going to try and start updating again. I can't guarantee how regularly I'll be able to update, but I'll do my best! So, here is the long overdue Chapter 4!**

* * *

Cara rubbed her face with her hands as she leant her forehead against the cool metal of her locker. She had done it. She had made it through her shift without any upsets.

 _What, do you think that's something to be proud of? Why do you make things so difficult? Just snap out of it and stop making yourself feel like this._

Cara shook her head to try and get rid of the thoughts running through her head. She hated that every time that she felt like she'd done something well; her head had to give her a reality check. Who was she kidding? Everybody else could make it through a shift without a problem. She shouldn't be considering it to be such an achievement.

She took a quick glance out of the window in the door of the locker room, and smiled slightly as she saw Raf chatting to a patient in bed 5. Luckily, she hadn't needed him today. It had been so busy she doubted that he would have been able to take a break anyway. They weren't even able to have lunch together because Raf had been called away to emergency surgery.

 _Well, he says it was an emergency. Maybe he just used it as an excuse to avoid seeing you. Can you blame him? You'd have only put a dampener on his day._

Cara sighed. Who was she kidding? Of course he wouldn't want to see her. Grabbing her bag, she swung it over her shoulder and left the hospital, ready to head home.

* * *

Raf sighed as he saw Cara leaving. He was hoping to have had chance to see her before she left at the end of her shift. He felt really guilty that he hadn't been able to make time for her today, but a patient had been rushed in with a burst appendix and he was the only surgeon available at the time. He had worked through his lunch and hadn't really stopped since. Thankfully his shift had finished, and so he grabbed his jacket and car keys and headed out. Maybe if he hurried, he could still catch her.

* * *

As Raf left the hospital, he stopped as he realised he needn't have worried about rushing. Sat on the bench just outside the hospital, leant back, eyes half closed, was Cara. Raf walked over and sat down beside her.

Cara, feeling movement next to her, went to move away from the person who had sat a little too close to her. Opening her eyes fully, she relaxed when she saw that it was Raf, and leant back once again against the backrest of the wooden bench.

"Hi," Raf greeted her, "How are you feeling?"

Cara played with her fingers slightly as she decided whether to lie to him or not. Deciding to go with a half-truth, she kept her answer short.

"I'm okay, just tired."

Raf nodded.

"That's understandable. I 'm sorry I wasn't around much today. I really wanted to have lunch with you and check in, but I had an emergency surgery at lunch time. I ever did eat, I'm starving!"

Cara smiled slightly. "Don't worry about it, I know you're busy."

"So, what are you doing out here?" Raf asked. "I thought you'd be on your way home by now."

"You're right, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you when you've had a busy day. I'll see you tomorrow."

As Cara stood up to leave, Raf reached up and grabbed her hand, gently pulling her back down to sit down next to him.

"That's not what I meant," he said as he tried to make eye contact with her. "I wouldn't have stopped and sat down if I didn't want to talk to you. I was just wondering why you were sat on a bench when you could be curled up on your sofa at home."

Cara bit her lip as she forced herself to answer him honestly.

"I've been okay today, I've been feeling a bit low and my anxiety levels have been through the roof, but I've coped. But I feel like I've used up all my energy today. My body just feels so heavy and the thought of having to drive home, cook dinner, even just moving from the living room to the bedroom, and getting changed to go to bed? I don't think I have the energy."

Raf put an arm around her shoulders and gave her a quick hug.

"Thank you for telling me all that. I know how hard it must have been for you. How about I drive you home? I would feel better knowing that you got home safe, and we could order takeaway so you don't have to cook anything for yourself. I'll even throw away the boxes for you."

Cara shook her head quickly and pushed herself away from him.

"I'm so sorry; I didn't want to put you on the spot like that. I can cope; you shouldn't have to waste another evening on me because I can't just pull myself together like I should."

Raf shook his head. "I promise you, I want to help you. We could watch a film if you want. I won't make you talk, or have a conversation or anything like that. I know how exhausted you must be. But let me get you home safe, and make sure you eat something, and we can go from there. Okay?"

Cara nodded, and went to stand up. But the emotions of the day had taken its toll on her, and she swayed slightly in exhaustion. Luckily Raf had stood up next to her, and quickly wrapped an arm around her, pulling her against his side. Dropping a quick kiss on her head, he said, "Here, wrap your arm around my waist, and lean on me. It's okay, I've got you."

Cara did as she was told, and walked with Raf back to his car, relieved that she had him next to her to keep her upright.


	5. Chapter 5

Raf gently closed the door to Cara's flat as he watched her drape her handbag and jacket over the back of a chair. He nodded when she quietly offered him a drink, and then guided her to the sofa once she'd poured them both a glass of water.

Cara let him walk her to the sofa, and sat down gingerly on the edge of it. She gave herself a minute to try and build up a small bit of energy, and forced herself back on to her feet again, walking slowly over to the kitchen, where, shoulders slumped in tiredness, she started to pull saucepans out of cupboards, and various ingredients out of the fridge.

Raf quickly stood up when he saw what she was doing, and went over to her, covering her hand with his.

"Hey, what are you doing?" he asked. "I thought we were going to order a takeaway?"

Cara shook her head, as she snapped slightly in reply, "I'm okay. I can cook a simple meal. I'm not an invalid."

Immediately, her eyes widened and she pulled away.

"I'm so sorry Raf, you're just trying to help, and I'm throwing it all back in your face. I honestly didn't mean to. I'm really sorry."

"Cara," Raf sighed, "I didn't mean to suggest that you were an invalid. I just know that you are dead on your feet right now, and cooking dinner is not going to help that. You need to look after yourself, and in this case, it means cutting a few corners. Don't push yourself to cook a meal when you can get one delivered to your door."

Cara nodded, and ran a hand through her hair. She watched as Raf pulled a pizza menu off the fridge and handed it to her to choose from. She told him what she wanted and passed it back; watching as Raf quickly made his choice and placed the order online.

* * *

Forty five minutes later, Raf and Cara were sat on the sofa, a pizza in front of each of them, and Pitch Perfect on the television. Music always helped Cara to relax, and Pitch Perfect was one of her favourite films.

"Thank you for today," Cara whispered as she finished her last slice of pizza.

Raf leant over and kissed her on the cheek. "There's no need to thank me, sweetheart. I'm here for you."

Cara nodded, and moved both of their empty pizza boxes on to the coffee table where Raf was resting his feet. Hesitantly, she moved slightly closer to Raf, and then paused, hit by a moment of self-doubt. But without even looking away from the TV, Raf lifted one arm, encouraging her to lean into his side, and she pulled her feet up under her so that she was curled up against him.

"Are you sure you don't mind being here?" asked Cara.

Raf shook his head. "Not at all," he replied, "There is nowhere that I would rather be. To be honest, when I went home this morning to get changed, I packed a spare change of clothes so that, if you wanted me to, I could stay here tonight too."

Cara paused. Sensing what she was about to say, Raf quickly added,

"Don't say no because you think it's what I want you to say. I wouldn't have mentioned it if I wanted to go home. Only say no if you don't want me here. I want to do whatever is best for you. Do you want me to stay?"

Feeling Cara nod against his chest, Raf smiled softly and rubbed the top of her arm with the arm that was wrapped around her shoulder.

* * *

Once the film finished, Cara stood up to go to bed.

"Have you got a spare pillow that I could use?" Raf asked. When Cara frowned in confusion, he elaborated. "For the sofa?"

Cara's eyes widened slightly. "Oh, right, yeah, of course. I, erm…" she trailed off.

"What's wrong?" he asked, slightly confused.

Cara just shook her head rapidly. "No, nothing, it's fine. Sorry."

Something clicked in Raf's head. "Would you rather I stayed with you like last night again?"

Cara just looked down at the ground. Wordlessly, Raf took her hand and led her to her room.

"I'm going to borrow your bathroom to get changed while you get ready for bed, and then I'll come straight back."

True to his word, Cara heard a knock on her bedroom door five minutes later, and opened it to find Raf on the other side, wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of boxers. She quickly slipped out to brush her teeth, and when she came back Raf had drawn the curtains and turned off the main light, the only source of light coming from a lamp on the bedside table.

Seeing her come back in, Raf pulled the duvet down, and they both climbed into bed. This time, without hesitating, Cara moved towards Raf and wrapped her arm around his waist.

"Is this okay?" she asked quietly.

Pulling her flush against him, Raf placed a finger under her chin, encouraging her to look up at him. As her tired eyes met his, his dropped a gentle kiss on her cheek, close to the corner of her mouth. Pulling back to rest his forehead against hers, he whispered, "This is perfect."

Cara nodded, satisfied that he was happy, and tucked her head under his chin once she had turned off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness.

With Raf by her side, she felt… well, she wasn't sure, but it was better than she had been, and that had to count for something, right?


	6. Chapter 6

2.57am…

2.58am…

Cara sighed quietly as she watched the clock tick over yet another minute. When she'd had bad days in the past, they were always followed by bouts of insomnia. She never slept particularly well anyway, but when her depression and/or anxiety 'flared up', as she liked to put it, it always got worse. Raf was laid next to her, one arm above his head, sleeping peacefully. Cara smiled slightly at how relaxed he looked, and then got out of bed. Sometimes a change of environment could help her get a bit of sleep.

As Cara wandered into the living room, she grabbed her iPod and unwound the headphones, settling herself on the sofa. She put the headphones in, scrolled through to find the playlist she always used to help her relax, and smiled when her current favourite song came on – 'Save Myself' off Ed Sheeran's new album. Curling up into the corner of the sofa, she closed her eyes and let the music and lyrics wash over her.

 _I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe  
I gave away my money and now we don't even speak  
I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me?  
Oh, honestly?  
Offered up my shoulder just for you to cry upon  
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm  
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song  
Its goes on and on_

 _Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels  
I drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pills  
And all the ones that love me they just left me on the shelf  
My farewell  
So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself._

* * *

Raf slowly opened his eyes and ran a hand across his face as Cara's alarm infiltrated his dreams. He forced his brain to start up, and turned on to his side. He blinked twice when he registered that Cara's side of the bed was empty. He put his hand out and frowned when he realised the bed felt cool to the touch. She hadn't been there in a little while. He swung his legs out the bed and stood up, heading out the bedroom to find Cara.

As he entered the living room, he immediately caught sight of Cara, who was curled up on the sofa, sleeping peacefully, headphones still placed securely in her ears. He went over to her, gently removed her headphones, and carefully shook her awake.

"Hmm… what time is it?" murmured Cara.

"Just after half 7," Raf replied, "It's time to get up."

Cara nodded and stood up from the sofa. She frowned when she put her hand up to her head and realised that she no longer had her headphones. She spun around to try and find them.

"It's okay," said Raf, holding up her iPod, "I've got it here. What were you doing out here anyway?"

"I couldn't sleep," Cara yawned. "Sometimes a change of scenery and some music helps me to relax."

"Fair enough," Raf replied, "How are you feeling today?"

Cara smiled, looking very relaxed, considering she had only had a few hours' sleep.

"Do you know what? I'm actually feeling okay today. I'm tired, but I feel calm, and I'm not worried about going into work today, now that I've got yesterday out of the way. And, erm," she suddenly hesitated, weighing up the pros and cons of finishing her sentence. Hit with a sudden bout of courage, she hurriedly said, albeit avoiding eye contact, "Well, it definitely helped that you've been around as well. So, thank you."

The room was silent for a moment, and Cara held her breath as she looked down at the floor, suddenly doubting whether or not she should have said that. She slowly looked up as she saw Raf's feet standing toe to toe with hers, and hesitantly met his eyes.

"You," he murmured quietly, cupping her cheek with one hand, "Are very welcome."

Cara smiled at him and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his waist, as Raf held her close, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, before resting his cheek in the same place.

They stood, not moving for a few minutes, both enjoying being close to the other. Both of them wanted to take the next step, but Cara still had doubts creeping into her mind, and Raf didn't want to push her into something that she wasn't ready for. Eventually, Cara forced herself to step away, hugging herself as she immediately missed the feel of him surrounding her.

"I guess we ought to get ready for work," Raf said, barely above a whisper, running a hand down her arm. He didn't seem to want to be out of reach of her at the moment, and Cara obviously felt the same, as her hand held on to his as it finished its journey at her wrist.

Cara nodded in agreement, and squeezed his hand slightly, before letting go and turning round to head into her room to get ready for the day. Raf, in turn, grabbed his bag of clothes and headed into the bathroom. He smiled as he reflected on the serene look on Cara's face. It really was nice to see her feeling better.

* * *

 **A/N: Using music and a change of scenery is something that really helps me when I can't sleep. Unfortunately, as my family don't know about my mental health issues, I can't just go wandering around the house, so I normally just end up sleeping on the floor in my room – surprisingly it helps though! Hope you enjoyed this chapter; please let me know what you think of the story so far!**


	7. Chapter 7

Over the next few days, Cara found herself to be gradually getting back to 'normal'. Raf had gone back to staying at his own house, and despite her bed suddenly feeling very empty, Cara had dealt well with it. They were still texting regularly, and Raf still checked in with her at work, but Cara was doing a lot better. Raf was even considering asking her out on a date, but then an incident at work put a halt to his plans.

Cara had come into work that morning feeling on edge. She'd been plugged into her iPod since she'd woken up to find that she was already physically shaking. Luckily, she always set her alarm much earlier than she needed to, in preparation for days like this. Therefore, Cara spent the first twenty minutes of her day curled up, trembling from head to toe, desperately trying to even out her breathing.

Eventually, she forced herself to get up and get ready. She didn't dare to call in sick again after last time. As she left the house, she still felt awful, and decided to ring for a taxi. It wasn't a good idea for her to drive when she could hardly breathe.

Once she got into work, she was immediately thrown into the deep end as she followed the victims of a car crash into AAU. Three men, all with serious injuries. Taking a deep breath, she tried to push her own issues aside, and focus on the job in front of her. For the most part, it worked. But then she went on her lunch hour.

Sitting down at a table in the café, a hot chocolate and a panini in front of her, her phone rang. Glancing at it, she sighed when she saw that it was her mum. As much as she loved her, it could be draining having conversations with her. If you didn't agree with her opinion on something, she would just keep putting her point across until you gave up. Cara found that, most of the time, it wasn't worth the effort. Sighing, she picked up the phone.

" **Hi Mum, how are you?"**

" _Hi sweetheart, I'm good thank you. Just thought I'd ring for a catch up. Is this a good time?"_

" **Yeah, I'm just on my lunch break. I've got a bit of time."**

" _Ah good. I tell you what, I'm exhausted."_

" **Why's that? You aren't ill, are you?**

" _No, of course not! I'm just really busy at work. Julie, the woman I job share with? She's been off sick lately and I'm having to do overtime to keep up with the workload."_

Sensing a rant, Cara tried to change the subject. She didn't have the energy for a debate today.

" **Well, hopefully she'll be back soon. Have you got much planned for the weekend?"**

" _No, just going to recharge the batteries after this week. It isn't as if Julie's even properly ill. I mean, it's only anxiety."_

Cara froze. This was exactly the sort of thing she had hoped to avoid.

" **Mum, anxiety can be crippling."**

" _I'm sorry, but I don't buy into that. I mean, depression, that's different because that's to do with chemicals or something. But people who claim they have anxiety just need to get a grip."_

Cara felt tears pricking her eyes. This was exactly why she had never told her parents about her mental health issues. She could feel her chest tightening, but focused on her breathing as she hurriedly ended the conversation.

" **Sorry mum, I'm being called back to the ward, we've had a major incident come in today."**

" _Okay darling, enjoy the rest of your shift."_

Cara hung up, and forced herself to her feet. She could feel her chest getting tighter, and her breaths were getting shorter. She needed to get back to AAU. She needed somewhere that was private so she could fall apart without prying eyes.

* * *

Bursting through the doors of AAU, Cara froze, eyes wide, as she took in her colleagues, who were rushing around the ward. Alarms were blaring and CPR was being performed on two of the three men that had been brought in earlier in the day.

Tears filling her eyes, she tried to slip into an empty office.

"Cara! I need you over here!"

Cara stopped as she heard Raf calling for her. But, try as she might, she couldn't make her feet move. Now entirely in the grips of a panic attack, she was completely frozen.

"Nurse Martinez! Now please!"

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she willed her body to move, make a sound, anything.

Annoyed, Raf turned around and saw Cara, frozen. Before he was aware of what was coming out of his mouth, he snapped at her.

"Are you being serious? Now is not a good time for this. Just get a grip, Cara!"

Those words broke through Cara's panic-stricken brain, and she turned and ran off the ward. As soon as she got through the doors, she collapsed against the wall. Her vision blurred, and her breaths were reduced to shallow gasps as she had her mum and Raf's voices flying around in her head.

 _Just get a grip, Cara!_

 _People who claim they have anxiety just need to get a grip!_

 _Get a grip, Cara!_

 _Get a grip!_

 _Get a grip!_

 _Get a grip get a grip get a grip get a grip!_

Tears streaming down her face, she tried to focus on her breathing, but she couldn't concentrate. She was too far into the attack to think clearly. Her fingers grabbed her hair and she could feel her feet tingling as she pressed her back hard against the wall. Vaguely, she was aware of someone sitting in front of her and gently untangling her fingers from her hair.

"Okay, Cara. I need you to listen to my voice."

* * *

 **A/N: Who's come to help? Hope you liked this chapter; I really struggled with getting going on it. The line that Cara's mum said about depression and anxiety is a direct quote from something my mum said last week, which is why I can never tell them about my own struggles with anxiety and depression. Leave me a review, and let me know what you think of the story so far!**


	8. Chapter 8

"Okay," the voice said, "Can you look at me?"

Cara blinked repeatedly, trying to sharpen her vision. She was still hyperventilating, battling with her panic attack, but she could just about make out Fletch's face in front of her.

"Cara, is it okay if I hold your hands?"

Cara forced herself to nod her head, unable to respond in any other way. Her chest was tight, she had pins and needles in her hands and feet, and her eyes were watering. She felt Fletch hold her hands in a firm grip, and tried to focus on his voice.

"Okay, Cara, here's what we are going to do next. We are going to breathe in for four, hold for four, and then breathe out for four. You are safe, you are going to be okay, and I will help you come through this. Now then. In, 2, 3, 4. Hold, 2, 3, 4. Out, 2, 3, 4."

Cara could feel him squeeze her hand as he counted the 'in' breaths, and loosen his hold during the 'out' breaths. She tried to focus on what he was saying, but she was struggling. The panic attack was too bad. But Fletch was patient, and just kept counting for her until she was able to start trying to match it.

In, 2, 3, 4.

Hold, 2, 3, 4.

Out, 2, 3, 4.

In, 2, 3, 4.

Hold, 2, 3, 4.

Out, 2, 3, 4.

In, 2, 3, 4.

Hold, 2, 3, 4.

Out, 2, 3, 4.

After about ten minutes, she was able to start matching his counts, and another ten minutes after that, she started to feel her heart slowing down, and the tingling in her hands and feet started to dissipate.

Fletch kept counting, never wavering, never trying to hurry her, never giving any indication that he had somewhere else to be.

* * *

As Cara's breathing evened out, she became aware of the fact that one of her coworkers had just witnessed her having a panic attack. Embarrassed, she tried to push herself to her feet, but her legs weren't strong enough to hold her up and she just crumbled back down to the ground again. With her back pressed against the wall, knees drawn up to her chest, she resumed exactly the same position as she was in before.

Fletch gently placed his hands on her knees and encouraged her to stretch them out in front of her.

"Here," he said, "Stretch them out, and it will stop you diaphragm from being compressed, and it will make it easier to breathe."

Cara nodded, and as she sensed him sitting down next to her, with her back against the wall and one of her hands still in his, she took a moment to close her eyes, take a few, slow, deep breaths, and ensure that the panic attack was calming down.

"How are you doing?" Fletch asked. When she didn't reply vocally, he added, "Are you feeling a little bit calmer?"

Cara nodded again, grateful that he understood that she couldn't quite speak yet.

* * *

They both sat there in silence for a few minutes, when the door to AAU burst open, and Raf came barrelling through. Crouching down in front of her, he took her hands.

"I am so sorry, Cara," Raf began, "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. Are you okay?"

Cara pulled her knees up to her chest, removed her hands from Raf's, and wrapped them around her legs.

"N-n-n-not your f-f-fault," she stuttered, "S-s-s-sorry I c-c-c-c-couldn't help-p-p."

Raf rubbed his face with his hands, but as he went to reply, Fletch cut in.

"Hey, mate, just give her a bit longer, yeah? She's still recovering."

Raf nodded, looking crestfallen, as he walked back into AAU.

* * *

After a further ten minutes sat in silence, Fletch asked the question that had been on his lips from the moment that he spotted her having a panic attack in the middle of the corridor.

"Is this why you were off the other day?"

Nod.

"Have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety?"

Nod.

"I'm so sorry that I gave you a hard time."

"N-n-n-not your fault," she whispered.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked.

Cara just shook her head.

"Let me g-g-g-g-get some wat-t-ter and I'll b-b-be ok-k-kay in a few m-m-minutes."

Fletch nodded as he stood up, holding a hand out to help her up. He lightly touched her hip, to let her know that he was there if she needed the support to balance, but she just put a hand to the wall, and slowly walked back to the ward.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm not sure if I like this chapter or not. It all feels rather disjointed, but that's how panic attacks are – you don't always pick up on everything going on around you. The breathing technique I wrote about here was one that a Doctor taught me when my panic attacks were really bad. But today marks me going two years without a panic attack! I'm really proud of myself, especially considering I used to have them almost daily! Please leave me a review and let me know what you think of the story so far.**

 **Interesting fact: I didn't know who would help Cara through her panic attack until I actually started writing this chapter!**


	9. Chapter 9

Cara managed to make it to the end of her shift without any further problems. Fletch had been really supportive, setting her up in Serena's office with a pile of admin that needed doing. Cara had got her iPod from her locker, sat down in Serena's chair, and played her 'Breathe Easy' playlist. This playlist was made up of slow, quiet songs with a minimal number of instruments, and a tempo of approximately 60-70 beats per minute. Whilst inputting the data into the computer, she focused on her breathing, matching it to the beats of the music playing into her ears. It really helped, and when Fletch poked his head in three hours later, to remind him that her shift had ended, he was relieved to see her feeling so much calmer.

"Hey, Cara," he started, "You off home?"

Cara nodded. "Yeah, just finishing up here. Thanks for your help today. I'm sorry I took you away from what you were supposed to be doing."

Fletch shook his head. "My job is to help people, and I'm pretty sure that today you needed my help. So, I think I did exactly what I was supposed to be doing."

Cara didn't have the energy to tell him that she didn't think she was worth the effort, and so she just nodded, grabbed her iPod as she stood up, and gently touched his arm in thanks as she headed to the locker room.

* * *

As Cara headed out to the car park, headphones securely in her ears, she sighed and ran her hand through her hair, which was hanging loose down her back. She had forgotten that she'd taken a taxi this morning because her anxiety made it unsafe for her to drive. She checked in her purse, and found that she only had £5.70 – enough for a multi-use bus ticket, but nowhere near enough for a taxi. Disappointed, she sat down on a bench outside the entrance to the hospital, quickly bringing up a bus timetable on her phone, planning her route. She hadn't taken the bus for a while; she always drove, and she could feel a knot forming in the pit of her stomach at the thought of having to take the bus without having planned the route far enough in advance. She didn't have another option though, and so stood up, forcing her feet to take one step, and then another, to get her over to the bus stop. There was another bench there that she could perch on. She just had to keep walking.

Before she got there, though, she heard a familiar voice calling her name. She turned around, taking out her headphones, to see Raf chasing after her. She let him catch up with her, and then started talking before he could open his mouth.

"Raf, I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you today. I really messed up, and I should have been able to prioritise the patient. I promise I will redeem myself, somehow."

Raf frowned, taking her hands in his.

"Cara, you had a panic attack. I came over to apologise to you. I had no right to say those awful things to you. You had no control over that attack coming on, and I shouldn't have snapped at you. It is me who needs to make it up to you."

Cara bit her lip, and then saw a flash of red out of the corner of her eye. Turning around, she saw the bus coming. She was going to have to run to make it.

"I'm sorry, Raf, I need to catch that bus. I'll see you tomorrow."

As she went to run off, Raf grabbed her arm. Cara spun around, eyes wide. "What are you doing? I can't miss that bus. My whole route is planned around being on that bus! If I miss that, I won't know when the following buses will arrive! I won't get home! Raf, let go!"

Cara could feel her chest tightening as her anxiety levels grew. But Raf wouldn't let go of her arm. His lips were moving but it wasn't registering with her that he was talking. Tears falling, she cried, "Please Raf, let me go!"

"Cara! I don't think you heard me – I said I would drop you home. Please, take some breaths for me. You're going to get home just fine. My car is nearby, I know where you live, and I promise that you can trust me."

Cara paused, closing her eyes for a few seconds as she slowly pushed a breath out through pursed lips.

"Sorry," she whispered. Raf just wrapped an arm around her shoulders, gently guiding her to the passenger side door.

"Are you sure you have time?" Cara suddenly asked, turning around to face him. "I'm sure I can work out another route. Or I could walk to find a cashpoint. If I get money out I could get a taxi."

Raf cupped her face in his hands, bending his knees to look into her eyes. "I want to take you home. Please let me," he said, and Cara nodded, turning around to open the door.

* * *

They drove in silence, and pulled up in front of Cara's flat in, what felt like, no time at all. Cara invited Raf up for a drink, and Raf agreed straight away, following the smaller woman up the stairs. Within a couple of minutes, they were inside her home.

"What would you like to drink?" Cara asked, her inner host kicking in.

Raf shook his head. "Let me get them. Would you like a coffee?"

Cara shook her head before requesting water, explaining that caffeine wasn't a good idea after a panic attack. A stimulant like caffeine would affect her heart rate, and she needed to try and keep it slow and controlled.

Raf nodded in understanding, and brought two glasses of water over, setting them on the coffee table. They sat down on the sofa, and straight away Cara's resolve broke. She leant forward, her elbows on her knees, her face in her hands.

"I can't believe I was so stupid," she sobbed. "Why couldn't I just deal with it on my own? Nobody is going to trust a nurse who has panic attacks. What if Fletch tells someone? Everyone will be talking behind my back. If I resign tomorrow…"

"Hey!" Raf interrupted, seeing her thoughts were beginning to spiral and she was getting worked up again. Today had obviously really affected her. "Listen, you are not stupid. You had a panic attack. You don't decide to have one, they just happen. You would never put a patient at risk, hence why you did admin this afternoon. Fletch isn't going to tell anyone, and nobody will talk behind your back. You were off the ward when you had your panic attack, and nobody saw you, I promise."

Cara looked up from her hands. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," he replied. "I heard one of the nurses ask why you were in Serena's office, and Fletch said that we had enough staff in today, and so he had asked you to work through the admin that had built up over the last few weeks, to try and get up to date before more gets added to it. I promise, he – will – not – tell – anyone."

He took her hands in his, and in between each of his last few words, he accentuated each word with a kiss to her knuckles. Looking at her face, and seeing her eyes shimmering with unshed tears, he pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her as her sobs restarted, releasing the pent up emotions of the day. She clutched his shirt in her fists, curling up as small as she could, Raf tightening his hold on her, whispering comforting sounds into her ears, waiting patiently until he eventually felt her grip on him, and the muscles in her body, relaxing. She slowly sat up, but before she could say anything, Raf cut in.

"Don't you dare apologise. I feel honoured that you let me comfort you. Would you like me to stay tonight?"

Cara nodded. "Are you sure?"

"Definitely," Raf replied immediately.

* * *

And that is how, a few hours later, after a pasta dinner and a small glass of wine each, Cara and Raf ended up fast asleep, Cara lying half on top of Raf, with their legs entwined and arms wrapped round each other's waist. Cara's hand had slipped slightly under Raf's t-shirt, and Cara's vest top had slightly ridden up, allowing Raf's hands to be clasped loosely over the bare skin at the base of her back. There was a content look on both their faces, as, even in their sleep, they knew they were with exactly who they wanted to be with. Even if they hadn't done anything about it yet.


	10. Chapter 10

Cara started to stir as the morning sunlight shone through the window of her bedroom. Neither she nor Raf had to work, and so they hadn't set an alarm. She smiled softly as she felt how she was still wrapped up in Raf's arms, lying on his chest. The movement of his chest up and down in time with his breath soothed Cara back into a light doze. She didn't need to get up any time soon, and, in all honesty, she was very comfy.

* * *

About an hour later, Cara slowly awoke again, to the sensation of a hand gently rubbing along her back. Smiling, she looked up at Raf, whispering a gentle greeting, which Raf returned.

"How are you feeling today?" asked Raf.

"Much better," she replied. "It helped that I actually slept, as well! And it was a comfort to have you here."

Looking down, she felt herself blushing at the statement she had just made so confidently.

"You know," said Raf, "You don't have to be embarrassed to say that me being here helps. I'm not going to make fun of you or anything."

Cara nodded. She knew he was right. At no point had he ever laughed at her, made her feel silly, or acted like being around her was a chore. He had been an amazing friend to her. But, in all honesty, she wanted more than that. She thought back to the time she had kissed him a few weeks ago, and he had said that he wanted to explore it when she was doing better. Well, today she was feeling really positive, and fairly confident. So, she pushed herself up on to her elbows, so she was face to face with Raf, closed her eyes, and kissed him.

Raf froze for one second, before closing his eyes and pulling her closer as he started to kiss her back. His hands were spread over her back, whilst hers rested on top of his chest. Raf felt Cara's tongue sweep across his closed lips, a silent request to deepen the kiss, but Raf reluctantly pulled back.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked gently. As Cara bit her lip, obviously second guessing her previous actions, Raf pressed a quick, innocent kiss against her lips. "Because I want it, I really do, but I just don't want you to jump into something because you feel like I'm expecting it."

Cara smiled, as she replied, "It really is. The one thing that has not wavered over everything that has gone on over the last few weeks is how I feel about you. When I kissed you that first time you came over when all this kicked off, you said you wanted to wait until I was feeling better. Apart from my setback yesterday, I have been doing so much better, and that is in no small part down to you. Now," she continued, "This doesn't mean that being with you is going to 'cure' my depression and anxiety. You're a doctor – you know that. But at the same time, I don't want to put my whole life on hold just in case I have a bad day."

When Raf just looked at her, she averted her eyes, wanting to avoid the intense gaze with which he was looking at her. But Raf put a finger under her chin, encouraging her to look up at him, and, when their eyes connected, he leant forward, kissing her again.

This time, he didn't hesitate in deepening the kiss, gently turning Cara so she was lying on the bed, with Raf on top of her. Cara wrapped her arms loosely around his neck, whilst Raf slid his hands under her arms to gently hold her shoulders. He tried to put all his weight on his elbows, so that he wasn't squashing her, but Cara tightened her hold on him, pulling him closer, so eventually he was laid out on top of her, his closed legs resting between her open ones. It was at this point that Raf could feel a certain 'hardening' between his legs, and, judging by the way that Cara let out a quiet moan, she could feel it too.

With all the self-restraint he could gather, Raf pulled away from Cara, lying on his side next to her, watching the way her chest was moving as she tried to bring air back into her lungs. She was flushed, with swollen lips that were wearing a broad smile.

"So…" Cara said playfully.

"So…" Raf replied, laughing softly. "I think we ought to get up before we get too carried away. Even if all I can think of right now is spending the day in bed with you."

Cara agreed, but instead of getting up, she just moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Raf hugged her back, enjoying the feel of having the woman he'd been pining after for several months in his arms. After having a few selfish moments to enjoy the feeling, his smile suddenly turned mischievous, as his hands found their way to her hips, and he began to tickle her.

Cara let out a loud laugh, scrambling to get out of bed. Raf felt his heart swell with affection for the woman stood in front of him; hair tousled, lips swollen, pyjama top slightly twisted. She held her hands up in surrender, exclaiming, "Okay, okay, I'm up! But you're making breakfast!"

Raf chuckled as he watched her head into the bathroom, and then quickly got up, pulling on a pair of jeans and a clean shirt, before heading into her kitchen to raid her cupboards for anything suitable for breakfast.

* * *

 **A/N: So there you go! Hope it was worth the wait! Leave me a review and let me know if you're enjoying the fic so far! Still got a few more chapters I think… not that I've written them though, so who knows?!**


	11. Chapter 11

"Okay, 3.35. Thank you, bye."

Cara hung up her mobile, and leant against the doorframe, watching Raf making omelettes in her kitchen. She felt a smile spread across her face as she watched him, knowing that he wasn't aware that she was stood there. She quietly tiptoed across the room, slipping her arms around his waist, grinning as he immediately turned around, wrapping one arm around her shoulder whilst his other hand kept hold of the spatula, manipulating the omelettes into the perfect form. Raf kissed the top of Cara's head, content with the way this morning had gone.

They stood there in silence for a few minutes, until Raf had to, albeit reluctantly, let her go so he could serve up their breakfast. They carried the plates over to Cara's small kitchen table, where they quickly ate, regularly exchanging glances. As they finished, Cara took a breath, letting it out slowly through pursed lips.

"You okay?" Raf asked.

Cara nodded. "Yeah, I am. I just wanted to tell you that I've booked an appointment to see my doctor this afternoon. I want to ask if I can go back on my anxiety and depression meds for a little while."

"I have to say," Raf said, watching her carefully, "I think that's a good idea. Would you like me to come with you to your appointment?"

Cara frowned slightly as she considered his offer. "Thank you, but I'd rather go in on my own. I know I have been talking to you, but I might find it easier to talk to my GP without anyone else listening."

Raf nodded in understanding. He would probably do the same thing if he were in Cara's position. He got up from the table, clearing away their plates, already thinking about the day ahead and wondering if Cara would want to do anything before her appointment. However, Cara took his silence as disappointment, and he quickly turned back to her when he heard her whisper an apology.

"What are you apologising for?" he asked, sitting back down opposite her and holding her hands.

"I didn't mean to upset you. If you would rather come in then I guess that would be okay."

"Hey, I'm not disappointed at all," he reassured her. "This is very personal to you, and I don't want to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable. I was only quiet because I was wondering if you would want to do anything before your appointment?"

Cara blushed slightly, feeling foolish. "I guess this appointment can't come soon enough, can it?" she asked, a small smile appearing on her face.

Rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, Raf gave Cara a reassuring smile. "You're doing fine. Do you feel up to doing anything today, or would you rather just relax?"

After thinking about it, Cara decided that she would rather just have a relaxing day in front of the TV. Happily agreeing to this, Raf let go of her hands, they walked across to her living room, where they settled down on the sofa, Cara immediately curling into Raf's side, sighing contentedly.

"Hey, Raf?" Cara said, waiting for the man in question to look at her. As he glanced down at her, she gave him a smile, and pressed a kiss to his lips. She felt butterflies in her stomach as Raf smiled against her lips, and hugged her closer to him. They were both pleased that they were moving forward, and were now free to show their feelings to each other.

As they broke apart, Raf lifted a hand to sweep a few stray strands of hair from Cara's face. "What was that for?" he asked, affectionately.

"Just because," Cara replied, a wide smile spreading across her face.

Raf laughed, accepting her reason. "Well, in that case…" he trailed off, kissing her again, enjoying how happy they both were in this moment.

And that was how they spent the rest of their morning; with a film playing in the background that neither could tell you the plot to, and the new couple sharing kisses on the sofa.

Right now, Cara had never felt so happy, and she decided to ignore the anxiety that was building about her upcoming appointment. That could wait; right now she was being held by the man she had been watching from afar for months, and nothing was going to put a dampener on that.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed the latest chapter – thought they deserved a couple of fluffy chapters! Haven't had any reviews for the last couple of chapters, so if you are still reading this please just drop line so I know? Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12

"So Cara, how can I help you today?"

Cara sighed, trying to put herself into the 'nurse' mind-set, running a hand through her hair as she looked at her doctor.

"Well," she began, adopting a professional tone, "I was diagnosed several years ago with anxiety and depression. I took medication for a couple of years while I had counselling, and then came off the medication. I have been doing well for a few years, but recently, I've started having intrusive thoughts and panic attacks. It has all come on out of the blue, so I was hoping that I could maybe go back onto my medication for a while so I can put my coping techniques back into action."

"Okay," her doctor replied, "What sort of intrusive thoughts have you been having?"

"Well, it's the sort of thoughts that leave me feeling like I'm not good enough, and people are just putting up with me, and that I'm on my own and people don't care about me. I try to challenge the thoughts but I struggle sometimes."

The doctor nodded. "Okay, and you say you've started having panic attacks. Are these a regular occurrence?"

Cara shook her head. "Not at the moment. I've only had a couple, but I used to have them almost daily, and I don't want to get to that point again."

"I can understand that," the doctor agreed. "Now, I have to ask this of anyone who comes in presenting symptoms of depression and anxiety. Have you been self-harming, or had urges to hurt yourself, or end your life?"

Cara closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and wrapped her arms around herself. "I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, but I've wanted to hurt myself." She paused, trying to compose herself. "When I was first diagnosed, I used to cut my hips, but after counselling I developed healthier coping techniques, and I haven't hurt myself in over four years now."

The doctor nodded, making a note on the pad of paper in front of her. "Okay, and do you have a good support network around you?"

Cara paused. Raf was supporting her, right? She thought that she could rely on him, and he hadn't given her a reason to doubt him yet.

"Yes," Cara eventually replied, "I have a friend who has been staying with me when I have had bad days. He's a doctor, too, so he knows the signs to look out for."

Seemingly satisfied, the doctor opened a new window on her computer and typed out a quick prescription.

"Okay," she said, "I can see that you used to be on Sertraline for depression, and Propranolol for anxiety. I'm going to start you on 50mg of Sertraline daily, and 40mg of Propranolol to take up to three times a day when you need it. And I would like to arrange a phone consultation with you in two weeks' time to discuss whether your dosage of your antidepressant needs to be increased. Is that okay with you?"

Cara nodded as she took the printed prescription. "Thank you," she said, "I'll book the phone call on my way out."

"Oh," the doctor said as she went to leave, almost as an afterthought, "It is up to you, but I would recommend that you tell your friend about your history of self-harm."

* * *

Raf looked up as Cara walked back into the waiting area, clutching a piece of paper. When it came to her leaving for her appointment, she had asked him if he could wait for her in the waiting room, which he readily agreed to. He watched as she walked over to the reception desk, apparently making another appointment, and then turned to look for Raf. He could see her hands were shaking slightly, and quickly stood up and walked over to her, throwing an arm around her shoulder and gently kissing the top of her head.

"You okay?" he asked quietly, not at all surprised when she just nodded in reply.

"Just tired," she said softly.

Raf acknowledged her reply, and went to direct her to the car park, but Cara paused, turning instead to the pharmacy attached to the GP surgery.

"I've got a prescription," Cara whispered in explanation.

Raf just nodded, and stepped back to give her privacy while she handed over her prescription, and then received a bag of medication. She silently walked back over to him, wrapped an arm around Raf's waist, and asked if he could take her home. Raf immediately complied, putting an arm around her and walking back to his car.

* * *

"Would you like to talk about it?"

Raf broke the silence that had been present since they had got into Raf's car. They were in what was becoming a familiar position – curled up on the sofa, Cara tucked into Raf's side, Raf holding her close.

"I've been put back on my medication so that I can try and put my coping techniques back into action."

Cara played with her fingers, and Raf stayed silent, sensing that there was more to be said. But Cara didn't say anything else, and Raf didn't push.

"Would you like me to stay again tonight?" he asked, running a hand through Cara's hair.

Cara bit her lip, reminding herself that he could be relied on, and nodded her head.

"Hey," Raf said softly, waiting for Cara to look at him. "I'm really proud of you. You did really well today, and I know how hard it was for you. So, yeah, I'm proud of you."

Raf leant forward, and pressed his lips against Cara's in a loving kiss. Cara stretched up, wrapping a hand around Raf's neck, trying to lose herself in the sensations, but Raf pulled away when he felt moisture on his cheeks, and looked at Cara sympathetically when he saw that she was silently crying.

"It's okay," Raf promised, "It's been a big day for you, and it is bound to have taken his toll."

Cara nodded, whispering, "I'm just tired."

"I know," Raf said, "Come on, let's go to bed. Would you like me to sleep with you or stay on the sofa?"

"I don't mind," Cara said, not wanting to admit that she needed him. But Raf obviously knew what she meant, and a few minutes later they were lying in Cara's bed, both lying on their sides, facing each other. Their legs were tangled together, Cara's head tucked into Raf's neck as they both held each other close. They could deal with this properly tomorrow.

* * *

 **AN: Hope you enjoyed it – please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: IMPORTANT: Please note that there will be some discussions about self-harm. If this is something that affects and/or triggers you, please stop reading. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy this next chapter.**

* * *

The next morning, Raf woke up about an hour before Cara's alarm went off, but when he looked down at the woman lying next to him, he realised that he may have woken early, but Cara had woken earlier.

"Morning, sweetheart," he said softly, "Sleep well?"

Cara shrugged. "Kind of," she replied. "I kept waking up though. Got a lot on my mind."

Raf frowned, concerned. "Anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Not right now," she said, shaking her head, "Maybe later?"

Raf nodded, not wanting to push her, and instead pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head. Cara smiled, and stretched up so her face was level with his. She pressed her lips against his, laughing when Raf immediately reacted. Before she knew it, she was on her back, Raf leant over her. His hand was on the back of her neck, and her hands were running up and down Raf's back. Their kisses got more and more passionate, with hands moving under clothing, and bodies pressing closer.

Then Cara's alarm went off.

Raf broke the kiss, and bowed his head. "I suppose we ought to get up," he said softly, which Cara replied silently to with a nod.

"I suppose," she said, frowning playfully.

Raf laughed, pulling her closer and kissing her again. He waited until she was fully invested in the kiss, and then moved away.

"So, toast or cereal?" he asked, unable to keep a straight face.

* * *

Their shift went by relatively uneventfully. Raf finished an hour before Cara and so she gave him her keys so that he could let himself into her flat while she finished up at the hospital.

When Cara got home, she pushed open the door, and smiled at the sight that greeted her; Raf, with his feet up, watching the television. Like he was home. She hoped that she could be greeted with that sight more often, and after going to him and giving him a quick kiss, she walked into her bedroom to get changed.

That was when she saw it.

On the floor, in front of her, was a large pair of scissors.

Immediately, thoughts that she had been fighting for more than four years became more prominent.

 _It'll help._

 _You know that you've missed it._

 _One little cut. It will help you._

 _Only once. It won't mean that you've started again properly._

 _Everyone relapses. It's normal._

"No," Cara whispered to herself. She'd fought too hard and too long to go back to her old coping mechanisms. She stepped backwards, and closed the door behind her, the sudden noise alerting Raf to a problem that was quickly escalating.

"Cara? Are you okay?" Raf asked, standing up to face her, noticing quickly that she was shaking.

Cara shook her head, still backing away from her bedroom, but not taking her eyes off the closed door.

"Scissors?" she asked, trying to keep her breathing even and the intrusive thoughts at bay.

"Yeah," Raf said slowly, confused about what was happening, "I was wrapping my niece's birthday present, and the tape was in your room. Sorry, would you prefer it if I didn't go in there when you weren't there?"

Cara closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and walked over to the sofa, encouraging Raf to sit next to her.

"Okay," she began, keeping her eyes focused on her clasped hands in front of her. "I haven't told you everything, and my doctor told me I should and I've been putting it off."

Raf nodded, reaching out to hold her hands in his, but Cara pulled back, shaking her head slightly as she continued.

"Several years back, when my mental health was really bad, I used to, well, I, erm, I-used-to-self-harm," she blurted out quickly, keeping her eyes on her hands to avoid seeing Raf's reaction.

"I would cut myself. I've been clean for more than four years, but I have really had to fight. It's something that I battle every day. I had to look at my life and work out how to keep myself safe."

At this point, Cara risked looking up at Raf, but immediately wished that she hadn't. He looked shocked, with pale skin and a vacant look in his eyes. However, she knew that she had to get to the end of this so that he knew why she had reacted the way she did.

"The number one rule," she told him, "Was that I do not have any sharp items in my bedroom. That is my safe room. If I feel particularly triggered, I shut myself in my bedroom, because I know that I don't have anything in there that could harm me. So when I walked in there today and I saw the scissors, I panicked, because I didn't remember putting them there. I love having you here, and I am so sorry that I didn't tell you before, but for future reference, please can you keep anything sharp out of my bedroom?"

Raf blinked, slowly nodding. He tried to keep his composure, while a wave of guilt washed over him.

"I am so sorry," he started, while Cara shook her head, finally taking his hand in hers. At this stage he needed the support more than she did.

"Don't be," she replied, trying to reassure him. "I didn't tell you, so you had no way to know. Everyone deals with urges differently, and this is what I do. It is the only way that I have found to work. So, you know for the future, but please don't look at me any differently because of it? It is a part of me, but I have done really well, and I don't want it to suddenly become a big thing again."

"Of course," Raf agreed quickly. "Can I ask though, have you had the urges again recently?"

Cara sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Yes," she said quietly, "But I've dealt with it. I haven't relapsed, and I've kept myself safe. Having one safe room doesn't completely eliminate the risks, and if I had wanted to relapse then I would have done. But I've fought it, and so far I've been successful. So, please, don't feel like you have to keep an eye on me or anything. I am coping, and this is just a bad period that will pass."

Towards the end of her speech she sounded as though she was trying to reassure herself more than Raf, and Raf picked up on that. Cupping her face in his hand, he looked into her eyes.

"Yes," he said, "It will pass. Now, let me go and put those scissors back where I found them. I've always been really bad at tidying up after myself!"

As he went to get the scissors, Cara leant back on the sofa, head tipped back, eyes closed and let a big sigh escape as a small smile graced her lips. That had gone better than she had imagined in her head. Hopefully Raf wouldn't start mollycoddling her over this. When she'd let people in in the past they had done, and that's partly why she had put off telling Raf.

Cara was deep in her thoughts when Raf came back, and he paused, taking a minute to watch the woman in front of him. He smiled when he saw the relaxed look on her face, and felt a bubble of affection well up inside him. Quietly, he walked behind the sofa, and leant over her from behind, placing an upside down kiss on her lips. Cara's smile grew, and she opened her eyes as Raf pulled back to see an identical grin adorning his lips.

"So," he said, "Shall I cook tonight?"

Cara shook her head. "How about a takeaway? My treat?"

* * *

So an hour later, they were sat at Cara's small kitchen table, a Chinese feast laid out before them. Between them, they had ordered sweet and sour chicken, beef in black bean sauce, prawn crackers, chips, rice, spring rolls and prawn toast. The conversation was flowing smoothly, until Raf suddenly stopped and stared into Cara's eyes.

"What?" she asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

Raf took her hand, smiling softly. "I just love seeing your face light up when you smile like that."

Rolling her eyes, Cara laughed quietly. "Stop being so soft," she said teasingly, bringing his hand up to her lips and kissing it tenderly.

Letting it go, Raf took his hand back, smiling affectionately at her before continuing to eat the ridiculous amount of food that they had ordered.

* * *

Later that evening, Raf and Cara were laid out on the sofa, Raf behind Cara, arms wrapped around her waist when Raf whispered in her ear,

"Do you mind if I sleep at mine tonight?"

Cara blinked, tensing up slightly.

"Have I done something wrong?" she asked, dreading the answer.

"No, not at all," Raf replied, placing a kiss in the crook of her neck, but Cara moved away. "Quite the opposite in fact," he continued. "I feel like I'm finding it harder to control myself around you. I want to be touching you and kissing you all the time, and I don't want to push you into something you might not be ready for. Maybe a night in my own bed would help me cool off."

"Okay," Cara replied quietly, trying not to sound too disappointed.

* * *

So an hour later, Raf was heading to the front door, shoes and jacket on, Cara quietly following behind him. He opened the door, when he heard Cara cough quietly.

"Don't I even get a goodnight kiss?" she asked, trying to inflect a playful tone into her question, disguising the disappointment she still felt that he was leaving.

"Of course," Raf whispered. He placed a peck on Cara's lips. Well, it was supposed to be a peck, but as he went to pull back he became overwhelmed with desire. He stepped towards her, pushing her gently against a wall. He placed a leg in between hers, and kissed her deeply, pressing his whole body against hers. Car wrapped her arms tightly around him, trying to get even closer to the man that was holding her so tightly.

As Cara let out a small moan of desire, Raf reluctantly broke the intense kiss, and, keeping their bodies tightly together, he leant his forehead against hers.

"You see?" he whispered, "I just can't control myself around you. I will see you tomorrow."

And with one last innocent kiss placed on Cara's lips, Raf stepped away from her and forced himself not to look back as Cara closed the door behind him.

Little did he know, Cara had stayed in the hallway, sat with her back against the wall, the occasional tear dropping down her face, as she let the thoughts wash over her that she had tried to keep at bay since Raf had said he would be going home.

 _Why wouldn't he want to go home?_

 _He actually felt like he had to ask your permission to leave!_

 _You weak idiot. Can't you even last one night on your own?_

 _You'd better get used to it. He'll have one night of peace and realise how much he misses it. He won't come back again._

 _You scared him off by telling him you're a cutter._

 _A weak-willed, pathetic, crazy cutter._

 _He's probably worried you'll slash your wrists and blame him._

 _You want to cut now, don't you?_

 _Just do it. It's not like he'll come near you again anyway. He'll never know._

 _It'll calm you down._

 _You'll be able to think more clearly._

 _Just cut yourself._

Cara blinked. Somehow she found herself in the kitchen, hand wrapped around the handle of a knife.

* * *

 **A/N: Ooh, what will happen next? At some point the rating will be put up, either due to sexual content or descriptions of self-harm. If you are reading this but not following, please add it to your alerts list so that when the rating does go up you will still see it. Please review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: As I'm sure you can guess from the end of the last chapter, there will be themes around self harm in this chapter. Please, please, please do not read if you think you could be triggered by the content.**

* * *

Cara blinked. She didn't remember moving into the kitchen, and yet, here she was.

The knife felt heavy in her hand, and her hip was tingling; that sensation only making the urge to cut stronger. Her whole body felt like it was shaking, but when she looked down her hand was steady. She could almost feel the sensation of the blade pulling through the skin at her hip.

 _You'll feel better._

Cara took a deep breath, forced herself to put the knife down on the work surface, and backed away. She didn't take her eyes off the knife until she was safely in her bedroom, when she curled up on her bed and pulled the covers over her head. Only then did she feel like she was safe.

"You do not need to relapse," she told herself out loud. "You have fought this for more than four years. You just need to get through tonight."

After about an hour under the covers, giving herself reassurance, and monitoring her breathing, Cara felt like the urge had passed. Only then did she realise that she had left her phone in the living room. Sighing, she slowly opened the door and stepped out. She ignored the knife still sat on the work surface, instead walking with purpose to the living room, grabbing her phone and went straight back to her bedroom. When she went to unlock her phone, she realised that she'd missed numerous texts from Raf. Swallowing nervously, she tapped on the notification and started to read.

 _Hi beautiful, just wanted to let you know I just got home. Everything okay? Rx_

 _You doing anything this evening? I'm thinking of watching a film. Not sure which one, though. Rx_

 _Cara? You alright? Rx_

 _Cara, I'm getting worried now. Please reply. Rx_

 _Please, let me know you're okay. Rx_

 _Do you need me to come over? Rx_

That last text had been sent less than a minute ago. Sighing, she typed out a quick reply. She was too exhausted to explain everything, and, besides, she didn't want him to worry that she would freak out every time he wasn't there. Satisfied with the response, she hit send.

 _Sorry, was in the bath, didn't have my phone next to me. Going to bed, see you tomorrow. Cx_

Raf had obviously been waiting for her to reply, because thirty seconds later, her phone pinged with a reply.

 _No need to apologise. Sleep well sweetheart. I'm missing having you next to me already! See you tomorrow. Rx_

Locking her phone, and plugging it in to charge next to her bed, she sighed, and stood up to change into her pyjamas. As soon as she had got changed, she flopped back down on to her bed, debating whether to tell Raf about tonight or not. On the one hand, he would want to know, and he would want to help. All she could think about was the feeling of having his arms wrapped around her, his lips kissing hers. How much better he would make her feel.

However.

She was also very aware of how it could affect him. Before he knew about her history, he would have texted her once, assumed she hadn't seen it, and thought nothing more of it. Now, one unanswered text left him worried that she had done something to hurt herself. That wasn't fair on him.

Nodding to herself, she realised she had made her decision. She hadn't relapsed, and her coping techniques worked. Tomorrow, she would go into work, tell him she missed him and hopefully get a cuddle off him. He would think that was the only reason why she wanted a hug, and he would make her feel better without realising she needed it.

Then she would get on with her day.

She turned off the lights, and rolled over to the side of the bed that Raf had occupied only 24 hours ago. She breathed in his scent from the pillow, and closed her eyes. She fell asleep comforted by his smell, imagining him lying right next to her, her body pressed against his, arms holding each other tightly.

* * *

 **A/N: Please review!**


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